I received a bunch of emails tonight from Ethan's charter school. The school that he will be starting in 27 days. I also got my carpool list, a list of women who will be taking turns with me driving our children, our babies to school. It became so real to me. So scary, terrorfing and so real. I went into his room and looked at him. When babies are born they have the sucking reflex, I'm not sure if that's what it called but that's what I call it. Sometimes when they are asleep they suck and it looks like they are sucking on some imaginary binki or bottle or something and it is so beautifully sweet. Tonight I sat next to Ethan, asleep on his bed, and he did that little sucking thing. My sweet little five year old is leaving and I know things will never be the same.
Change happens. I know this. His first five years have been filled with hundreds of milestones, countless changes. That's life. Right? So why is this so hard. Why does it hurt so much. Why do I feel like I am sending him off to the wolves.

Get over it. That's what the seasoned moms are thinking right now. They've done this before. They know how it will, "all work out." They are smiling at the young inexperienced mom the same way I smile at a new mom who panics at every peep of her infant. And part of me wants to. Part of me wants to "get over it" and jump into this new phase in my life, this new era in Ethan's. But another part of me is holding on.

Someone once told me that you never get to have your first baby again. I didn't know what they meant..."Duh? Of course you never get to have your first baby again. Simple math." But they were right. You never get to experience the wonder and miracle of bringing your first child, a literal child of God into this world, again. Each thing Ethan did was just as new to me as it was to him. Eating, laughing, crying, crawling, rolling, walking, discovering, talking, smiling, singing, nursery, coloring - we learned it together. My grandma once told me that your love changes for your children as they age...it always just as strong but different. I guess she's right...you probably don't feel the exact same types of emotions for your son at 40 that you did at 4. So although a part of me wants to join the seasoned moms, part of me wants to "get over it," another part of me wants to hang on to my innocence, to hold on to the tender feelings I'm feeling for my son right now. I don't know how many more 5 year olds I'll have, that part's difficult for me. This summer changed everything - I don't know how many more times I will get to do this and I want to savor, to capture, every moment somewhere deep inside in the archives of my heart. One day I will be experienced, this won't hurt so much, and I look forward to that day. How comforting that will be! But for now, this first time mom is struggling to let him go, struggling to accept the changes that will come with or without my approval. Struggling to become seasoned.

Calling All Drivers. I am holding a contest on my blog today. I am looking for anyone, ANYONE who has ever had a good experience at the DMV. The prize for whoever has enjoyed their DMV experience is my admiration and respect.
I truly believe it isn't humanly possible to get out of the DMV without contracting some sort of fungal disease, growing more gray hair and being filled with rage.
Never, no never have I had a good experience in that evil building!

Today was no different.

It started with the boys and I walking into a room that if I didn't know better I would have sworn we were in the State Penitentiary. Seriously. Then we sat and sat and sat and sat some more. It wasn' too bad because I got to people watch which let's face it, is basically my favorite pastime. A few of my favorites were the pregnant woman holding her 2 year old and screaming profanities at the Prison Guard, I mean DMV employee, and when the two DMV employees got in a fight right in front of everyone. Great place to work.
I sit there through the M's N's O's the whole alphabet and then we finally get to the B's!!! Yes!!! I am B131 and they are now serving B130 ...I'm next and SOOO ready to get out of here. I can almost taste the freedom when there is a loud pop and the lights go out. We sit like this for 10 minutes when finally a worker/guard comes out to tell us what happened and the rest of the exchange is PRICELESS.

Worker in pink t-shirt - Ummm we blew a circuit and it's gonna be a while so...
Andrea - You have got to be kidding me....
Worker in orange t-shirt( in a LOUD whisper that the entire room hears) - Hey, don't tell them that. It's not gonna be that long.
Worker in pink -(annoyed) Yes it is! Don't tell me how long it's going to be...I know how long its going to be!
Worker in orange( ignoring the one in pink) Now, let's all stay calm we will have the system back up and running before you know it...
Worker in pink -( annoyed and really loud) No we won't- it's going to be hours folks, if I were you I would leave!
Worker in orange - Don't tell them that...

At this point I want to stay and watch them fight, oh believe me, I am dying to see where this goes but I have seen Prison Break, I know that when the guards start to fight - the prisoners will riot...so I left.
So tomorrow same time, same place...I'll still be sitting.

I thought a picture of Tyler in an "elephant" would be fitting.

It took me 15 minutes today to figure out that Tyler, who by the way is 3, thinks the oven is called "the elephant." I am not joking...he told me repeatedly to put his chicken nuggets in the" elephant" and it took some serious detective skills and a LOT of help from Ethan before I realized he meant the oven. The kid is clueless...and really really funny!

It started so beautifully. This day felt perfect before 6 am.
"It feels like Christmas," I mumbled, still asleep when Preston told me that I wouldn't have to drive him to work. By drive him to work I mean, drag my two sleeping boys out of their beds, load them into a van that will unfortunately still be hot - even at 6am, and spend and hour in the car listening to their moans. And that news really did feel like Christmas. I was overjoyed. 10 months of sharing a car will help you enjoy the simpler things in life.
Twenty minutes later I was woken again, this time by Ethan, not ideal - I was still hoping for another hour of sleep but the joy, the elation of being relived of my chauffeur duties wasn't going to be shaken. This was going to be a good day!! "Momma, something magical has happened." He pulled me to the front door, opened it slowly as if trying to keep me in suspense as along as possible, and stood proudly next to the gift from the "fairies." Decorated in beautiful crayon stars and rainbows sat a brown cardboard box. Inside was the 25 cent necklace Ethan had bought from a vending a machine last night. "Can you believe this momma? The fairies brought you a present!" I looked down at his little freckled nose scrunched and wrinkled as he smiled at me and knew - This is going to be an awesome day.
I ran back to my bed, laughing at the sweetness of my 5 year old and hoping for a few more minutes of peace before Tyler woke up. I cuddled up with a book so grateful to be reading and not driving. The minutes joyfully passed confirming what I knew - This was going to be such a great day.

DUM DUM DUM (Cue the scary music) Boy was I wrong. I didn't knock on wood... this is basic stuff here - when a day starts this heavenly, this bliss can't last....You must knock on wood. I didn't...and believe me I paid dearly!

So back to the story. Picture this - I'm cuddled up in bed reading, joy emanating from my face and in comes Ty. He's naked and covered, and by covered I mean literally every inch of his body, his hair, tummy, ears, legs, you name it - was covered in...I feel pretty gross typing it out for the world to read. Can you guess? OK this stinks and I mean that literally, but I can handle this, I have pioneer blood coursing through my veins, so into the bathtub he went. But my horror had just begun. In Tyler's room I found "you know what" on his sheets, comforter, dresser, pillows and pillowcases, carpet, and soaked into his mattress...I seriously doubt that room will ever be the same. I'm now up to my neck in "you know what" and starting to wonder if it wouldn't have been better to drive Preston to work after all. I encouraged myself to keep scrubbing, dry heaving and disinfecting with these motto's, "They will rise up and call me blessed... No other success can compensate for failure... There is beauty all around...The highest and noblest calling..." Unfortunately the dry heaving and gagging prevented those quotes from bringing much comfort to my violated senses.

We've got our fingers crossed for a good day tomorrow!

We Finally finished painting the boys room. We did stripes, something I've always wanted to do but too chicken to try, and I really like them. They were a LOT of work but the end result was worth it. I bought bulletin boards for each of the boys, I still need to sew their throw pillows to match the new color scheme, paint the dresser and paint and hang their wooden name letters(wow - I didn't realize until I typed all that how much work I have left!!) ...when we get the room all finished I will post some more photos. Ethan really wants a big world map for his room. Anyone know of a cheap and cute world map?

My Dilemma.

I have been reluctant to blog this, knowing there will be a collective eye roll around the blogging world of all you much more experienced mothers. I have been a mom for 5 years now, enough time to know that I know nothing about parenting, to know that it's much more challenging and rewarding than I could have ever imagined when I began this journey at 20, and enough time to feel a bit more relaxed about my children. I no longer rush the children to the doctor at the first sniffle, I cringe when I remember how much I stressed about EVERY aspect of Ethan's first year. I don't hover and have learned to relax. It's made being a mother so much more enjoyable and I like to believe that it helps the boys be more confidant and self-reliant.

Well, take that whole last paragraph and throw it out the window. Throw it out the window, burn it, and throw the ashes in the ocean! Because as of late I have broken every one of my parenting philosophies. I am not relaxing - I AM STRESSING and BIG TIME!!!

How do you moms do it? How do you send them to Kindergarten?

Ethan turned 5 this summer and is eligible for Kindergarten in August. Just in case you forgot -it is July. What month follows July? August! That means my first born, my baby, little Ethan should be going to school in a month. AHHHHHHH! I am struggling with this for many reasons. If I thought that he was completely unready I would just hold him back, let him wait for next year. But in many ways he is ready. He is a smart boy with a very active mind and imagination and I really think he's getting bored here with Tyler and I. He's ready for something new and challenging and for those of you who know him he is SO ready for the art or "crafts" as he calls them, that Kindergarten has to offer. But he is terrified. He REFUSES to even talk about school and has cried a few times when I bring it up. This little boy cried every day for the first three months of preschool(review the story here) and preschool was just a few friends that he was very familiar with. He has been in primary for 18 months and has yet to sing in sacrament meeting...most children jump at their chance to sing. So I worry how he is going to handle it and if I will even be able to get him in the classroom.

I also feel so nervous just sending him out into "wilderness." I know, I know, Kindergarten isn't Babylon, but for a mom who has spent every day for the last 5 years with this little guy it's going to be a big adjustment for me. Once you go to school there's no going back. He'll go to school every remaining year until he's grown, then there'll be college, mission, wedding, children, and next thing you know I will be an old lady with cats who shows all her neighbors the photos of her boy who never visits. OK, I may be getting slightly carried away but Ethan has been with me almost EVERY day of my adult life and it's hard to turn him over to someone else - someone I barely know.

I was hoping some of you would have some AWESOME ADVICE for me. I was hoping some of you will give me the magic formula to make my 5 year old stop growing up - that my biggest concern will be teething and getting him to sleep through the night - that you will reassure me that this decision won't determine his happiness forever and that if I make the wrong choice he won't be destined for misery...

After my last attempt at French pastry I checked out Sherry Yard's "The Secrets of Baking" and decided to take it a step further and make croissants. Real Croissants. They were a lot of work and a bit more difficult than the Danish but it was definitely a user friendly recipe and worth all the effort!

A neat trick she teaches - if you cut an x in the dough it helps you roll it out to the perfect shape.

The butter block - 4 sticks!! It gives you all those flaky layers!

Wrap it up like a present... a warm, buttery, fattening present.

24 hours and several steps later they are ready to rise.

Believe me, they didn't stay under that lid long!

The boys have been sleeping in the guest room while we are painting their room.
This scene melted my little heart.

The question has been asked for ages -What is Bravery? Yesterday I discovered the answer. Bravery is going to the Zoo in an Arizona July. Julie invited the boys and I to go to the Zoo and I am sorry to say that when I got home and looked at my pictures I didn't have a good one in the lot. So....these sad excuses for pictures will have to do.

Emma and Ethan looking at the monkey...the fogginess in the corner of the picture - I think that may be steam from my shoes melting to the hot Earth.

Some of the kids enjoying Sweet Tomatoes...Can you guess who's not happy?

Three day weekends are magical! It's amazing the difference one extra day can make. I've heard in Europe most people only have 4 day work weeks. Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe the way I feel about that.
We started off the 4th with some yummy breakfast. I love to bake - it makes me so happy but I haven't baked in a long time. So this week I satisfied my baking urges. I made my first Danish Braid. It's the first time I've made laminated dough and I was pretty nervous that it would be a huge mess but it actually turned out. I'm already craving another one.

At this point in the recipe I'm nervous. I 'm thinking we're gonna have a mess on our hands!

Spreading it with a butter and flour mixture...Did I mention how healthy this is?



Rolling it out and folding. You do this every 30 min for two hours. That's what gives it the flaky, buttery crust.
I filled one with apples and cream cheese and the other with Cream cheese and chocolate.

Let them rise for 2 hours...

And here they are in all their delicious glory!

Want to try it...get the recipe here from Good Eats-N-Sweet Treats - her blog is awesome!