Tuesday, July 29, 2008
I received a bunch of emails tonight from Ethan's charter school. The school that he will be starting in 27 days. I also got my carpool list, a list of women who will be taking turns with me driving our children, our babies to school. It became so real to me. So scary, terrorfing and so real. I went into his room and looked at him. When babies are born they have the sucking reflex, I'm not sure if that's what it called but that's what I call it. Sometimes when they are asleep they suck and it looks like they are sucking on some imaginary binki or bottle or something and it is so beautifully sweet. Tonight I sat next to Ethan, asleep on his bed, and he did that little sucking thing. My sweet little five year old is leaving and I know things will never be the same.
Change happens. I know this. His first five years have been filled with hundreds of milestones, countless changes. That's life. Right? So why is this so hard. Why does it hurt so much. Why do I feel like I am sending him off to the wolves.
Get over it. That's what the seasoned moms are thinking right now. They've done this before. They know how it will, "all work out." They are smiling at the young inexperienced mom the same way I smile at a new mom who panics at every peep of her infant. And part of me wants to. Part of me wants to "get over it" and jump into this new phase in my life, this new era in Ethan's. But another part of me is holding on.
Someone once told me that you never get to have your first baby again. I didn't know what they meant..."Duh? Of course you never get to have your first baby again. Simple math." But they were right. You never get to experience the wonder and miracle of bringing your first child, a literal child of God into this world, again. Each thing Ethan did was just as new to me as it was to him. Eating, laughing, crying, crawling, rolling, walking, discovering, talking, smiling, singing, nursery, coloring - we learned it together. My grandma once told me that your love changes for your children as they age...it always just as strong but different. I guess she's right...you probably don't feel the exact same types of emotions for your son at 40 that you did at 4. So although a part of me wants to join the seasoned moms, part of me wants to "get over it," another part of me wants to hang on to my innocence, to hold on to the tender feelings I'm feeling for my son right now. I don't know how many more 5 year olds I'll have, that part's difficult for me. This summer changed everything - I don't know how many more times I will get to do this and I want to savor, to capture, every moment somewhere deep inside in the archives of my heart. One day I will be experienced, this won't hurt so much, and I look forward to that day. How comforting that will be! But for now, this first time mom is struggling to let him go, struggling to accept the changes that will come with or without my approval. Struggling to become seasoned.