Sunday, March 28, 2010
Always the Worst
My favorite day of the week has now become my arch nemesis. For years and years Sundays have been my favorite day of the week. A family day with no stress(aside from finding everyone matching shoes) and a day spent enjoying being at home with those I love. A day spent with friends - I loved having friends over for dinner after church. A day spent in worship - grateful for all I have.
And yet, now I dread this day. I wake up and wonder how I will make it through. I look for ideas to cover up the gaping hole that is obvious to everyone. I ignore the stares and questions at church. I ignore the emptiness at home. I smile and hold my head high...trying to keep up traditions for these little cubs of mine. They need them. I miss the way my old life made me feel complete. Even lies can feel complete sometimes. And so I carry on. I carry on. And then I carry on more.
Faith is believing in something we can't see. I guess that makes me "faithful" because I am desperately clinging to the healing everyone promises will come in time. Desperately believing that the peace and joy will someday show their little faces. For now...I watch Willy Wonka with my boys. Hoping they don't feel a tenth of the pain their momma is feeling. Hoping their innocence is still intact. Relying on the one thing I do know...my one shred of conviction...that we are in His hands. And for now that is enough.