Sunday, March 28, 2010

Always the Worst



My favorite day of the week has now become my arch nemesis. For years and years Sundays have been my favorite day of the week. A family day with no stress(aside from finding everyone matching shoes) and a day spent enjoying being at home with those I love. A day spent with friends - I loved having friends over for dinner after church. A day spent in worship - grateful for all I have.
And yet, now I dread this day. I wake up and wonder how I will make it through. I look for ideas to cover up the gaping hole that is obvious to everyone. I ignore the stares and questions at church. I ignore the emptiness at home. I smile and hold my head high...trying to keep up traditions for these little cubs of mine. They need them. I miss the way my old life made me feel complete. Even lies can feel complete sometimes. And so I carry on. I carry on. And then I carry on more.
Faith is believing in something we can't see. I guess that makes me "faithful" because I am desperately clinging to the healing everyone promises will come in time. Desperately believing that the peace and joy will someday show their little faces. For now...I watch Willy Wonka with my boys. Hoping they don't feel a tenth of the pain their momma is feeling. Hoping their innocence is still intact. Relying on the one thing I do know...my one shred of conviction...that we are in His hands. And for now that is enough.

9 comments:

lynsey said...

andrea,
i know that things have been really tough for you for the past few years. you have no idea how much i've admired your strength, courage and ability to stay close to God through it all.

you are a beautiful and amazing individual, and those two boys have the most wonderful mom in the world.

i'm not only proud to call you my friend, but humbled to be able to call you my friend, someone who has continually shown christlike love and endurance in a really hard situation.

you know i'm here for you no matter what and through it all.

i love you.

KMitchell said...

Andrea! I love you! You are one of the most truly amazing girls i know. I can't even imagine some of the pain you are going through. I pray and pray for joy, peace,happiness, and continued strength to come into your life. You are such an amazing mom! Keep getting through one day at a time. Even one hour at a time some days. There will be peace and joy, I know it will come. We are always here for you!!!

Beverly said...

Andrea - I'm so sorry. Just remember to have confidence in the choices you are making for you and your boys, even when they are hard ones.

Lindsey said...

You deserve a Nobel Peace Prize for not stabbing G-Money in his sleep. Or hitting him with the van...reversing...and hitting him again. Or putting rat poison in his food. If I were in your situation, I would headline one of those Dateline NBC Specials entitled, "Good Girls Gone Bad: When Wives Murder their Cheating Husbands." Tom Brokaw would ask me, "Lindsey, why did you murder your husband?" And I would reply, "Because I could." There would be a lengthy pause, and I would follow up with, "Also, because he is a douche-lord."

Michele said...

Andrea you are an amazing person and mother. Stay strong for your boys. I know you can get through this hard time. I'm glad you haven't forgotten what Heavenly Father can do for you. Just lean on Him, He is there for you.

Beverly said...

Lindsey- you are too funny... but I think the show you would be on is the one that is on one of the discovery channels - it's called 'Snapped' - and that scenario would fit right in!

amandamenghini said...

You are doing so great! I hate Sunday's alone too and mine are not half as bad as yours. I can't imagine everything you have to go through. We all look up to you and admire how strong you are and have been this whole time.

And, if you ever need a sunday distraction, i'm up for musicals and snacks any time. At least we can pass the time a little quicker.

campblondie said...

I'm typing through tears at this point. This sucks for you and I"m so sorry. we love you.

The Garner Family said...

Andrea, I love you I love you I love you I love you- BUT more importantly- God loves you. My heart is breaking for you. I have a close friend who just went through this a year ago, and I hope it gives you courage that she is VERY happy now. Things have worked out for her and I KNOW they will for you too. Use God's love and the love of all your adoring friends to get through this valley of the shadow of death. There is light on the other side.
P.S.- Keep us updated on your baker business- I would travel a great distance to gobble your goodies!