Thursday, April 8, 2010
One for the records.
If days were people - today would be Hitler, no more like Freddy Krueger.
If days were things - today would be the moldy cheese stinking up your fridge, or grandma's 85 year old piece of china that you just broke, or the missing life vest when the boat begins to sink.
If days were events then today could be the splitting headache that makes you squint, or the late night phone call that changes your life...
Am I exaggerating? It's possible. But I don't think so. I really don't And although this story begins so dismally - like most things in life - it does have a happy ending.
I had a friend once tell me she could tell what kind of day I was having by how early I stagger into Quick Trip. Today was a 8am kinda Quick Trip Day.
From misreading my alarm clock and frantically making my tired and crying children get ready LONG before they needed to - to a sickness that just seems to be sucking my little energy stores dry - to a BARRAGE of issues that seemed to arrive by the hour and never seemed to ease up - to a ache in my heart that I won't even try to explain - to an emotional outburst from all three of us - to Tyler's near collision with a moving car - to expenses that never seem to end - and ending... in it all just catching up...months of bravery and doing it alone have finally caught up and it left me bone wearily tired - and achingly lonely.
And that's where I was tonight. In the car - bleary with fatigue and wondering what exactly I was going to do - How on Earth I was going to summon the energy for bedtime. And then -in that moment...seconds away from another breakdown to add to today's list -it happened. Ethan, who sometimes knows just what I need, said, "Hey Mom, I was thinking we should go Christmas Caroling this year. Do you think we could practice our songs on the drive home?" And we did. Ethan and I sang "Silent Night" and "White Christmas" while Tyler followed along with his KAZOO. ( Can we be anymore of a circus?) It's true. I can't put words to what happened. But something DID happen. And fatigue's grasp loosened. And my heartache dulled. And my eyes filled. And in that car for just a minute - I saw, no more felt, the spirit of my family...although driving home to a night of homework and "life" - for a minute we were driving through snow covered mountains, excited for Christmas and secure with each other. (Seriously, Auntie Mame had it right when she said, "We need a little Christmas right this very minute...)
I don't know how to explain it...and I definitely didn't do it justice. But it was a gift... Exactly what I needed. And in that moment I was filled - filled with the strength I needed to keep moving - the vision of what we can be - and the confidence that I am right where I should be.