Thursday, April 8, 2010


One for the records.

If days were people - today would be Hitler, no more like Freddy Krueger.

If days were things - today would be the moldy cheese stinking up your fridge, or grandma's 85 year old piece of china that you just broke, or the missing life vest when the boat begins to sink.

If days were events then today could be the splitting headache that makes you squint, or the late night phone call that changes your life...

Am I exaggerating? It's possible. But I don't think so. I really don't And although this story begins so dismally - like most things in life - it does have a happy ending.

I had a friend once tell me she could tell what kind of day I was having by how early I stagger into Quick Trip. Today was a 8am kinda Quick Trip Day.

From misreading my alarm clock and frantically making my tired and crying children get ready LONG before they needed to - to a sickness that just seems to be sucking my little energy stores dry - to a BARRAGE of issues that seemed to arrive by the hour and never seemed to ease up - to a ache in my heart that I won't even try to explain - to an emotional outburst from all three of us - to Tyler's near collision with a moving car - to expenses that never seem to end - and ending... in it all just catching up...months of bravery and doing it alone have finally caught up and it left me bone wearily tired - and achingly lonely.

Pleasant, Eh?

And that's where I was tonight. In the car - bleary with fatigue and wondering what exactly I was going to do - How on Earth I was going to summon the energy for bedtime. And then -in that moment...seconds away from another breakdown to add to today's list -it happened. Ethan, who sometimes knows just what I need, said, "Hey Mom, I was thinking we should go Christmas Caroling this year. Do you think we could practice our songs on the drive home?" And we did. Ethan and I sang "Silent Night" and "White Christmas" while Tyler followed along with his KAZOO. ( Can we be anymore of a circus?) It's true. I can't put words to what happened. But something DID happen. And fatigue's grasp loosened. And my heartache dulled. And my eyes filled. And in that car for just a minute - I saw, no more felt, the spirit of my family...although driving home to a night of homework and "life" - for a minute we were driving through snow covered mountains, excited for Christmas and secure with each other. (Seriously, Auntie Mame had it right when she said, "We need a little Christmas right this very minute...)

I don't know how to explain it...and I definitely didn't do it justice. But it was a gift... Exactly what I needed. And in that moment I was filled - filled with the strength I needed to keep moving - the vision of what we can be - and the confidence that I am right where I should be.

17 comments:

Rachel H. said...

I know I am clearly missing a big chunk of something going on in your life (did I miss a post somewhere??) so I obviously don't know the exacts of what is making life rough right now, but I hope you know you are in my thoughts and prayers...

Hang in there...and know a lot of people love and care about you!! What a beautiful thing to have those precious little ones to help take away some of the hurt...

Christmas Carols in April...who knew that would bring so much calm!?! (BIG HUGS) and hoping today is a beautiful day for you...

Luke and Katie said...

pretty sure that you don't remember me from back in the 58th ward days..but I have been following your blog for a while.

I just want you to know that I am sorry life is so tough right now. Ok, it sounds like it sucks. BUT on the other hand life has got to be great too because of your beautiful boys! They are absolute dolls and I love reading about their shenanagins..too funny!

Anyway, just know that those in the blogging world are thinking and praying for you!

Katie

Ashley H. said...

Andrea-

I, too, don't know if you remember me very much from high school but I have been following your lovely blog for a while. I am forever amazed by your strength and grace and know that through the love for your boys you will find security and support. Hold on to the good, let go of the bad, and take comfort in the love that seems to surround you.

-Ashley Holland

PS-Kazoos are AWESOME!

Andrea said...

Katie and Ashley - Since when did I get Alzheimer's?? :) Of course I remember both of you! My memory is not what it once was but I definitely still remember my friends!
And thanks for the encouraging comments. One day the story of it all will make it to the blog...I'm getting there.

Joy said...

Andrea-
This post made me cry...surprise, surprise :)and laugh at the same time. You are AMAZING! Hope you have a simply marvelous weekend!!
Joy

Ian and Sarah said...

annie..you should sne this thought into readers digest or something..that was awesome..i didn't know my little annie had all that in her...kidding..yes i did!!

Michele said...

I love singing Christmas songs with my boys all year round. My boys favorite right now is jingle bells. =) Christmas songs help me feel the spirit of Christ. Which we need everyday of our lives. Hopefully you'll have a better day today. Don't you love how little boys brighten up your day just when you really need it.

Michelle said...

Andrea,

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am sad to hear you are having difficulty, but glad you are putting your trust in the Lord. He will bless you :)

~Hartwig Family~ said...

Christmas songs are the best!!! I too have had one of those life cherishing moments that made me snap back and be able to breathe just for a moment! Keep your head high for I know you are a strong woman. Ethan brightens my card ride home every other week. You make my kid laugh with the stories you tell.. if only I could be as interesting as you :-) HUGS :-)

Janelle said...

Your post made me tear up too and that does not happen very often. It made me remember of a talk that Gordon B. Hinckley gave of someone going through something similar to you. Heavenly Father knows your every need and those little boys of yours are who are going to get you through this and vice versa. You are a very strong, beautiful person who is a wonderful example to many. Keep moving forward with faith.

lynsey said...

i would leave lame comments on your blog like you do on mine, but will refrain and remain appropriate. ;)

this posting seriously tugged at my heart. those boys are so cute and i'm grateful that during a really rough day they were able to cheer you up. the kazoo puts it over the top! (too bad it was the accomplice the next day in the tooth tragedy)

these boys are who you are doing all of this for. and i know that the farther you get from the pain of the situation, the more moments like this you'll have. and it will get to where you won't just see the vision of what you can be, but you'll realize that one day realize that you're already there, and you're through it and on the other side.

and that you've saved your beautiful & sweet & funny family by doing the hardest thing, but the RIGHT thing.

love ya!

you're a fine specimen. so so fine. (sorry, couldn't resist.)

and

p.s. i love you. love, daniel

lynsey said...
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lynsey said...
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Annie said...

Oh Andrea I have no have words. I wish I had the gift with a pen and paper that you do, then I could express how much I love you and how much you mean to me. You truly are amazing and I am happy that you were able to feel the lord wrapping his arms around you if only for a moment. You are in the right place doing the right thing.
Loves Karen (ps I am on my Sister in laws google account so thats why it says this is from Annie.

Kay said...

I love you. Always and Forever. I hope I get to see you this summer at the family reunion.
Your family loves you so much. We are always here for you. Dont forget.
-Kelly

campblondie said...

I've been thinking about you a lot this weekend, I want to give you the worlds biggest hug. Ya know the kind you give your kids that is so hearfelt that you're sure they can feel Heavenly Fathers love through you. Yeah one of those kind. I don't know if those work on friends. It might just end up being awkward........I might try it anyway.

amandamenghini said...

Ethan is a boy after my own heart- I still pop in christmas music when I am having a tough day. You just cannot be sad with Christmas music on. Shows how good of a mom you are :)