Note: it late and I am certain this will make little to no sense in the morning. My apologies.
The problem with baking treats is that you are guaranteed to eat some of those treats. I have developed my own mathematical equation today. For every 100 treats made you will eat three...so that means that I am inevitably going to eat 15 treats today. And then I will be sick. But it will be a good sick. A really really good sick.
I have been baking all day. And while baking I have been listening to great Christmas music. And now that the semester is OVER, finals are history, my grad school application is submitted and the wedding I was baking for is finished - now I am free to think. Think of something other than school and stress and to-do lists.
And sometimes thinking gets me in trouble.
Sometimes thinking leads to feelings - big overwhelming feelings that feel like they are crushing me. And that usually leads to memories- good and lighthearted, dark and threatening. That sounds a bit melodramatic... I mean, the word threatening is a pretty big word.
Not one you should just throw around.
And yet, I am choosing to let it stay. You see, when I am alone, thinking of the last year or eight - those memories can be just that - absolutely threatening.
People say that grief comes in waves. And I can attest to that. Sometimes I can be moving along just fine - happy and at peace with life right where I am at - and then WHAM - out of nowhere I am knocked over by it.
In the beginning it wasn't even waves. It was just like the ocean. I didn't even have time to come up for air before the next one knocked me over. I remember one day where I literally felt as if I was going to die. It was so big and dark and overwhelming and I just thought I wouldn't make it through this. But that ends. I can promise that. That passes. I remember several days where I felt "carried." As if some ONE was lifting me and carrying. Those are sacred, beautiful memories.
I get emails and calls from women going through the same thing. And that's why I am writing about this. I don't necessarily love spilling my agony on the www. However, I know what its like to feel alone in it all. I spent six and a half years carrying a secret alone...without a soul on this Earth to confide in (well, I choose that part.) That's why I am and will be sharing my part of this story - and although I don't intend for this to take over my blog, I hope to still share recipes and stories of my funny little guys, I will be sharing my story here.
The waves still come - but they are smaller, definitely less threatening, and more and more infrequent. That's the good news. It won't last forever.
What works for me? Step into the pain. I spent a long time trying to run from that kind of hurt. But believe me...like the bill collector it will always find you. Lean into the pain. Sit in the pain, feel it, and then move on. That's what I do now. I have a good cry, mourn for what's lost, what will never be, and then get up and clean my kitchen...because after a long day of baking, my kitchen definitely needs it.