I haven't had time for a lot of thought lately. These last several months my thoughts have been consumed with other things... And so I was surprised today as I was driving home from the library when my mind was overflowing with thoughts. Not school thoughts, not worry, not stress, not house cleaning thoughts, not even grocery thoughts. My mind was filled with the biggest dose of gratitude I've had in a long long time. It was literally out of nowhere that I was given this...gift. I recognized for the millionth time and yet it felt like the first time, that I could try for a million years, spending all my strength and never begin to deserve these two little boys.
They are the most inspiring, endearing, intriguing little things I have ever met. I could never imagine not in a million years the way I would feel for these guys. In one word...fierce. I feel something fierce for them. Fiercely loyal and protective. Another word amazed. Amazed at the minds and spirits they posses....
Now I digress for a minute...
I suffer from Road Rage...if I am driving for ten hours I am fine...just give me some tunes and Diet Coke and it will be a splendid day. But if I have to sit clogged behind hundreds of crawling cars, all slowing down to look at the crash on the right...oh watch out baby!! You have not seen wrath until you've seen me in traffic.
I hate the amount of time it takes for the computer to start up. I push the green button and sit and sit and begin to fossilize and then sit more. Take 1000 years multiply it by 1000000000 and that is how long it takes for my computer to start up.
My OB's office is so slow. I don't mind the waiting room - there are magazines and people to watch and usually a few toys for the kiddos to play with. But then they take me back to the examining room and there we sit. The kids get into things that the sign on the wall commands they shouldn't. There are no magazines. No people to stare at. No toys. Just me, two boys whose voices reverberate off the walls of that cracker box of a room and everyone in a ten mile radius hears Tyler announce, "I have no underwears Momma! I have naked bum!"
My stove is slow. I love glass tops but I swear it takes FOR_EV_ER to boil water. Tyler is begging for Ramen and we are still waiting for the water to boil...he starts kindergarten...goes on his first date...mission has come and gone and the water, well it's starting to get warm. I could cook it with my anger faster.
Are you getting my point? Patience is a virtue...one that I am still working on. So you can imagine my stress and impatience after three years...three long years of waiting and wanting and trying. I am convinced that if you haven't been through this it would be hard to get...I am a member of an elite club. The Secondary Infertility Club. I think every woman worries in the back of her mind that she may face this...but then you have your first and even second and ,"Whew! We dodged that bullet. Babies...check....we can do that one..." So, imagine my surprise...here I sit...with a four and six year old.
A six year old who asks me almost daily when he will get his sister. A six year old who I overheard telling his friend the other day, "My mom used to have a baby sister in her tummy...but she had to go live with Jesus." Yep. It's true. A six year old who said today that if he could get anything in the whole world for his birthday it would be....can you guess...that's right...A BABY.
BUT this isn't a sob story. I have gone this many years without bringing this to the blog and would be content to keep it that way...except for that gift I spoke of earlier. The gift I've been getting gradually for the last year. The gift of patience. Remember that thing I struggle with? Now, as I clearly demonstrated this gift of patience was selective. Somehow it skipped right over the driving, computer, glass top stove arena. Instead it has come in the form of a beautiful gift...one that I am not sure I would have -if my life would have gone another way. It has come in the form of blissful gratitude for each and everyday with my boys.... in recognition of "haves" not "have-nots." I no longer resent the nights I get peed on from Tyler..."one day this will be over...I may never have a little one pee on me again...enjoy it." Well... it goes kinda like that.
Marker on the wall and battles over food and fits and all the things we mothers bemoan have lost their sting. I know it may sound weird but I kinda like them...they remind me I am a mother. They remind me that I am still in the fight...They remind me that I could work with all my might -all my life and Never Ever deserve these boys I've been given...
So as painful as this journey has been at times - as often as I hurt when I think of the turn my life took - a path I never envisioned for myself - I am not sure I would do it differently. I have been given a gift of the moment. A gift to love each second instead of wishing them to pass faster...A gift to enjoy the mess of my children because "At least I have a mess..."
Although I still squirm in traffic, fidget at the Doctor's, and pace while making noodles, when it comes to this...I am waiting patiently.