I found my 2009 planner this week. Before you errupt into laughter that I actually own a planner -something I vowed I never would never own - know that last year was a chaotic year. I was actually enrolled in three different schools. Yes, you read correctly. I was at CAC, Rio Salado, and Seven Health Care (and for about three weeks I was in all three of them AT THE SAME TIME), and on top of that I had IVF appointments that averaged 3 visits a week and therapy appointments both group and personal for three members of the family. The chaos of it all resulted in a carpool child getting left alone for almost an hour - after which I bawled in my car and then proceeded to drive directly to Target and buy a planner.
But I digress, this post is not about why my life is chaotic, I was writing about how much has changed in a year for me...well for all of us. If emotional whiplash exists...I think I may have it. I am shocked at how completely different my life is just one year later.When looking at the events of last summer memories came flooding back.
Last year, I was frantically taking all of my nursing school prerequisites. I was thinking and hoping and praying for admittance into Nursing school. I was giving myself twice daily injections in the stomach and hip - hoping for the baby I had been waiting on for so many years. I was optimistic that treatment was "sticking" and that maybe, just maybe, Preston was in recovery. That the events of the past were nightmares that would fade in time...one day to be distant memories of "trials" that made me who I am.
And yet here I sit a year later. A new perspective. Failed IVF looks like a blessing. A longer, more expensive, and definitely more challenging road to Graduation feels like my "path." I am in a new home - and once again a new school. I am single...not only adjusting the loss of my husband but also a huge network of extended family.
I look back at Andrea of 2009 and part of me wishes I could warn her. Wishes I could give her a glimpse of what will await her in a few short months. Do something to help soften the pain I know will strike. And then I realize...she doesn't need a warning. She will do just fine...she will not only make it through the darkness but come out on the other side intact.
I can see clearly, maybe for the first time, how all the pieces were in place. I can see the huge network of support that had been gathering to soften my fall. I can see years and years of preparation that came together at the perfect time.
And I can literally see and feel the love - the love of my Father - who knows my heart. And it brings immense peace to me today. I once again, feel assured that we'll be okay. That healing will come. That my boys will be compensated - they will have all they need. That I am never alone and that my future - all of our futures - are in His Hands. And that idea makes me smile.