An Essay on Laundry
by Andrea Golding

There was a monster in my house….and by monster I mean a venomous, long haired, green eyed(well, actually one eye was green the other black but that’s beyond the point) sharp toothed beast. He was with us for as long as I can remember…Rexburg, Vegas, Seattle and Phoenix. I tried to lose him, believe me I tried, but he OWNED us. He slept upstairs in the washroom, but as much as I closed his door, or often as I pushed and shoved him back in his den he seemed to sneak his way into other parts of the house. I’d find chucks of his stale vile body in the boys’ room, a trail of his flesh in the hallway and streaks of him in the bathroom. Sweating and trembling I would scream out on the nights he made it into my dreams…nightmares. The dreams were the worst part. Worse than his smell. Worse than his dark rattling voice calling out to me. Worse than his warty face. In the beginning the dreams only came the night before wash day. But as time went on and our small monster grew and festered and multiplied the nightmares were routine…his thick legs of aprons and gym shorts chased me around the house, his dishtowel tongue stained with last weeks pasta sauce hung from his mouth – dripping slime.

Now in retrospect having been freed from this beast I know when he conquered our family. It all began somewhere in my early years of domesticity a “helpful hint” was passed on to me. I was young and inexperienced in the ways of domestic happiness and so I took this hint. It became my law. I wrote it on the tablets of my heart. The “hint” was to do laundry only once a week. “If you do it as needed,” the woman instructed, “you’ll spend your life over the washing machine. Just do it one day a week…trust me, Hon, this is for the best.”

And so it was…Wash day, a torturous affair in our house, came once a week. One day each week I battled that monster…I looked into his hateful eyes and challenged him. But there is no defeating stains that have had a week to concrete themselves….towels that have gone sour in their captivity. Victory is impossible when your opponent is an ever expanding pile of cotton, rayon and spandex. The day ends and your broken and damaged and alone – your family isn’t going near Voldemort( for that’s what we call him,) they’re no fools they’ve seen his hideous face and razor teeth.

What’s a woman to do…write a new years resolution, of course. You may laugh at this-you may think it silly to write resolutions for your laundry-maybe you should review my story-we were in a crisis folks! I threw out the helpful hint, ripped it from my heart. No more rules! I looked that monster in the eye three days early and started washing. “You can’t do this,” he screamed, slime sliding down his face. “Watch me!” I laughed a sneaky laugh, the laugh of a woman no longer tormented…Liberated.

He’s gone. I kicked his hideous face out of here. Laundry is a joy now, I wash everyday and I love it. Nothing makes me happier than an empty laundry basket, the clean smells of detergent wafting throughout the house. Hurray for New Year’s resolutions it was the best one I’ve made yet!

Tonight when I was bathing Tyler, after I washed his chest he said, "Thank you for washing my bosom."

I returned something at Wal-Mart and the conversation with the employee returning my item went something like this:

Employee: "Girl, I need to see your ID"
Andrea: Hands it to her
Employee: "Girl, you cheesin it up in this Photo"(pronounced foe-toe)
Andrea:(confused) "Oh....yeah....thanks?"
Employee: (Looking at my Nevada license) Ummm Girl, what'r those dumb letter thingies for Nevada?
Andrea: (dumbfounded. What is she talking about...Oh I think she's talking about the abbreviation for Nevada) " It's... NV."
Employee: (with conviction)"Those things are soo dumb."
Andrea: (Stunned)
Employee: Finishes my return, hands me the giftcard, and then my receipt." Now hang on to that receipt girl - it tells you how much money you be pimpin round here with."
Andrea: Rushes out to her car to write this down- so she can blog it later.

Where have we gone wrong?

The Easter Happenings

Easter has come and gone...the kids fell asleep 2 seconds after their heads hit their pillows - surely a result of coming down off the pounds of sugar they inhaled today.
The morning started off with a picture scavenger hunt to get their"prizes," hunting eggs, and a big breakfast.

Tyler with some drinks the Bunny left...see the picture clue ...it tells him where the next prize is. Oh and by the way, our chandelier isn't quite that hideous.

The boys with Enchanted...The next clue was the stove...Alright, our Bunny isn't the most creative guy out there.

After church we had a great Easter dinner at the Menghini's.

I tried a new dessert and it was really tasty... although the picture would convince you otherwise.
If you can get over the gross picture and still want to try it here is the recipe...I promise it really is good!

Chocolate Layered Cheesecake

Ingredients:

• 1-1/2 cups cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookie crumbs
• 1/4 cup butter, melted
• FILLING:
• 1 tablespoon boiling water
• 1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon
• 4 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, softened
• 1-1/2 cups sugar
• 1/4 cup all-purpose flour
• 4 eggs, lightly beaten
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 2 cups (12 ounces) semisweet chocolate chips, melted and cooled
• GLAZE:
• 1/2 cup semisweet chocolate chips
• 3 tablespoons butter

Directions:

Combine cookie crumbs and butter; press onto the bottom of a greased 9-in. springform pan. In a small bowl, combine water and cinnamon; set aside.
In a large mixing bowl, beat the cream cheese, sugar and flour until smooth. Add eggs; beat on low speed just until combined. Stir in vanilla. Divide batter in half. Stir melted chocolate into one portion; pour over crust. Stir water/cinnamon mixture into the remaining batter; spoon over chocolate layer.
Place pan on a double thickness of heavy-duty foil (about 16 in. square). Securely wrap foil around pan. Place in a large baking pan; add 1 in. of hot water to larger pan.
Bake at 325° for 45-50 minutes or until center is just set and top appears dull. Remove springform pan from water bath. Cool on a wire rack for 10 minutes. Carefully run a knife around edge of pan to loosen; cool 1 hour longer. Refrigerate overnight.
In a microwave-safe bowl, melt chocolate chips and butter; stir until smooth. Spread over cheesecake. Remove sides of pan. Garnish with coffee beans if desired. Refrigerate leftovers. Yield: 16 servings

Lastly, I wanted to share something sweet that Tyler said today.

A Few of Tyler's Observations

Tyler was looking at this picture during Sacrament meeting. Tyler has never been a man of many words...until lately. Now he's really starting to talk and it's so great - I love FINALLY getting to hear what's going on in that little mind of his. So....while he was looking at that picture he said to me
Tyler: "Mama, him has no shoes on." (In an enormous voice...bound to be heard by all)
Me: Nodding and tapping my finger to my lips in an effort to quiet him down.
Tyler: "Him betters gets hims shoes on...dats dangerous!"
Me: Trying not to laugh and still motioning for him to stay quiet
Tyler: "Oh mama,(now in his sweetest and softest voice) hims hands have an ouchie...He needs a bandaid."
How I love that little guy!

Easter Egg Hunt

Amanda and I hosted a neighborhood Easter Egg Hunt Saturday morning. We had pizza, lots of tasty treats and the kids LOVED hunting the eggs!

Running to get some EGGS! Tyler's curse...he can't keep his pants up.

A Few of the Boys...mad that their moms are making them squint in the sunshine.

Ethan showing off his "sparklie" egg

That level of enthusiasm can only come from insane amounts of sugar!

Looks like the family reunion. Sorry Hartwigs for cutting you off....definitely not an expert at the whole timed picture thing!

Marathon

Ethan loves Max and Ruby. For those of you that live in homes where "Max and Ruby" aren't household names...it's a Nickelodeon show about bunnies. It's Ethan's favorite and usually the show he watches everyday. It come on for 2 twenty minute shows each day after lunch and Ethan LOVES it.
Today is a Max and Ruby marathon. This is totally throwing Ethan off. He just ran downstairs (very very fast so as to not miss a minute of the bunnies) and said, " Mom something weird is going on. Max and Ruby always comes on two times.-Now it's coming on like a 100 times. Mom I think we must be on the - So Healthy and Nutritious Max and Ruby 100 Shows Channel."

A Few Highlighs From The Last 24 Hours:

1. Going to story time with Kelly and kids2. Meeting the prison warden Librarian while at said story time3. Discovering a children's book that made nauseous...that's a first4. Strapping the 5 children in the van and then discovering I'd lost the keys.
5. Searching for what felt like 2-3 years for lost keys
6. My New Song: Wienerscnitzel - A song of Desperation7. Getting my hopes up when a friend called to say they may join us here in Arizona!!!
8. Going to the Easter Pageant with the YW9. Laughing Hysterically when my quietest and most reserved Beehive told Preston - after he'd been teasing her," Look I've got spice and I'm not afraid to use it.
10. "Forcing Tyler to take pictures with cast members11. Ethan telling Tyler to be quiet during a scene with Christ during the Easter Pageant because, "Tyler this is the part I've been waiting for all night."

Lucy, Marcie, and Owen...this post is for you.
This morning we made you some spring butterflies, the boys saw a picture of them in the highlights magazine and wanted to make them for you. We cut and glued, decorated and perfected these little spring butterflies and then....when it was time to package them up and send them off Ethan began to have some doubts. Our conversation went like this:
Ethan: Momma I think I want to keep these. Imagine how nice they would look in my room.
Me: Ethan, we made these for them- remember?
Ethan: I think we better keep them.(in his sweetest voice)
Me: Remember last week how happy you were when we got those pretty pictures Lucy and Marcie mailed you?
Ethan: Mom, I only get happy when other people are mailing me THEIR stuff. NOT when I am mailing them mine!

So...the butterflies are being help hostage-hopefully in a day or two he will soften up and they will be on their way. Hopefully. If not...Lucy and Marcie you should know that Tyler and I had the best of intentions!

One of those days...

Have you ever had one of those days where you find three things broken in your house before noon? A day with whining that you are positive is shortening your life expectancy-where the munchkins in your house need drinks every 5 minutes and pee their pants every 10. A day that when you remember it- it haunts you. A day where you find yourself looking at your ceiling and saying, "Is this really what I was born to do?"
Today was NOT one of those days. I've had those days...I am ashamed to think how many of them I have had-BUT not today. The day was over, I was in bed with a great book about to fall asleep when I had the urge to blog about this-most likely to capture for the Andrea who in future days will find herself speaking to the ceiling again.
It could be because Preston was home-lightening my load today, it could be due to the absence of those extra children I've been tending lately-but today was great. Nothing special happened...I just found myself sad to see my boys go to sleep(you know you've had a good day when that happens!) Today I realized how cute Tyler's raspy voice was. Today I watched Ethan talking to himself in the backseat and wished he would never change. I saw two little brothers choose to play together when they were surrounded by other playmates. I smiled when in a store full of shirts, Ethan picked the only one with a rainbow on it...and laughed when he said,"This shirt is my joy. I think when I wear it I'm gonna conquer the world." (I am being serious...he said that word for word.) This was one of those days that reminded me how much I love being a mom. You need days like this every once in a while...they help you cope when someone smears their diaper or flushes your contacts...help you remember how darn lucky you are!

So...I was reluctant to blog this-I knew that a blog of this kind could cause intense envy and jealousy. I hate to brag, really I do but tonight I just can't help myself - I have to tell you how cool my friends are. They TOTALLY surprised me and managed to kidnap me- and take me out for my Birthday. They took me to Mimi's Cafe where Amanda introduced me to THE RUEBEN, which I can say changed my life forever...DIVINE! I also was the recipient of the FUNNIEST balloon bouquet I've ever seen. Attached to the balloons were little sayings... here they are:

1. "The world would be a better place with more Andrea's in it." - Ghandi
2. "I know that Andrea has been an inspiration to me." Oprah
3. "Andrea is my Idol." Simon Cowell
4. "We wish Andrea was one of our 'Friends.'- Joey,Chandler, Ross, Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe
5. "What a great mom! I wish I could be that wonderful."- Carol Brady
6. "Have you seen her house? It was the inspiration for my entire Spring Collection." Martha Stewart
7. "Would kill for a body like Andrea's." Angelina Jolie
8. "Andrea is so cool! Even for a grownup!" Hannah Montana
9. "She has it all-brains and beauty." Brad Pitt (that's my personal favorite)

I had to post those they were too dang funny. I've never had a surprise on my Birthday and so this was really nice...Thanks Ladies. Your the Greatest!

This Tortilla is My Joy.

Now if this picture doesn't scream joy...then I don't know what does!

Ethan has another new word. It's a simple word, but he finds the GREATEST places to use it. The word is JOY and all it's forms such as joyous and joyful. While eating tacos he said, "Mom, this tortilla is my joy!"
Then today when playing with his LITTLE PEOPLE I asked what their names were and several had names with joy somewhere in it. The princess of the LITTLE PEOPLE CASTLE is named, "Joy- Pretty- Sparkle- Silveriest- Pink- Princess." Seriously. Where does he come up with this stuff?

Another Year Older

Tyler turned 3 on Saturday!!! We had a few friends over, ate pizza and cake and had a nice time. This is the first year I think he really got excited for his birthday and understood what was going on....well kinda....when I asked him what he wanted for his birthday he said," ummm green."

I can't believe it's been 3 years since he was born. It's amazing how quickly time has passed. It really seems like yesterday that he was born. I can still remember it so vividly...in one of my health classes in college my teacher said, "if you are going to be a nurse or doctor make sure you are exceptionally kind to a woman in labor, because she will remember every second of that day in perfect detail for the rest of her life. Your actions will be cemented in her memory forever!" Isn't that so true? I still remember that one of the first things I said after he was born was, "Are you sure he's mine," positive that Preston and I couldn't have a blond hair blue eyed child. I remember his sweet little smell-I love new baby smell. I remember noticing more each day how calm and content he was-such a new experience for me-he would be content for hours needing very little attention. I was reading his baby journal and almost every entry in those first six months mentioned how peaceful and happy he was...maybe it's been so long my memory has faded but I don't remember him crying.

Here is a few pictures of Tyler...I'm calling it
"Tyler Through the Ages"

Mixed Up

My little Tyler, who calls dolphins-camels, had another comical mix up today. Kooky kid called a nest( as in a bird nest) a shepherd. I am trying to discover some logic in this, hoping that when I google, "my son calls nests shepherds," it will tell me that he's a boy genius...

To add to the mix ups Ethan said when driving by a flag pole with the American Flag waving, "Look Mom it's the Kamerican Flag." I asked him to repeat it, sure that I had misheard him. Nope...according to Ethan we live in The United States of Kamerica.

Have you ever gone to the store and seen some poor lady with kids EVERYWHERE?Undoubtedly most of them are wearing diapers and screaming and you just say a little prayer of thanks that you are not her...I WAS THAT WOMAN TODAY! I went to Target with 4,3,2 and 9mo old children. I would love to tell you that it was an amazing experience where I discovered the true strength and power of just ONE woman-but no that would be a bitter lie-it was a Fiasco with a capital F. Picture me pushing this monstrosity called a cart that was basically a big old rusty van on wheels(it wasn't actually rusty but it drove like it was), the baby messy and crying, Tyler taking his shoes and socks off and trying to put them on the baby which DEFINITELY made things worse, every child that was capable of speech begging for popcorn, every child that was capable of movement thinking that the can goods were meant to be knocked to the floor, and me talking to myself saying things like this, "I can do this...I am a pioneer...Why me...Please stop pinching my face, Don't take your pants off...Please don't take your pants off...If you take your pants off again I swear..."
I've always considered myself to be of average intelligence but seriously the fact that it took me an entire half hour to take everything in my cart out, abandon it unashamedly in the middle of the aisle, and leave empty handed makes me question my intelligence. What was I thinking? Did I really believe that good could come from 4 children in a cart?
I just want to tell all you moms out there with 4 kids under 5...WOW! You are amazing. You are my hero. You are probably not reading this right now because browsing blogs is probably a thing of your past-you're probably too busy keeping everyone's pants on!